Where Are My Marbles: My Journey to Rediscover Myself After Leaving a 10-Year Career

I love writing. It helps me not only escape from the worries but also relaxes me and gives me a feeling of freedom. Somehow, though, in the last few months I wasn’t able to put my words together. Once I had done so, my procrastination switch turned on and I kept delaying posting it. I could find any possible excuse not to do it, starting from being too personal, to whether it was (and whether I was) good enough, and ending with questioning whether I had any right to share my thoughts. Knowing that, I knew I had to look deep inside to understand what was wrong. Working on yourself is hard and exhausting, but so rewarding and freeing at the same time. It gives you a powerful sense of confidence and the feeling that you can do whatever you want. So, that’s what I did...for weeks. Now, I am ready to share my story.

You might need a glimpse into my background to have a wider picture. For over 15 years I worked in one industry, more than 10 years in HR and Employee Relations. Long story short, a very negative and draining environment. Then at the end of last year, my role was made redundant. And I will be absolutely honest, I was so relieved at first. I desperately needed a break after two years of struggles with burnout, dealing with negative issues 99% of the time and the sudden realisation that my personal values did not align with the company’s (interestingly, we shared some values in terms of names but the gap between our definitions of them was huge). So, I took a few weeks off just to breathe, to allow myself to do nothing. It was one of the most difficult tasks to do. Being in a corporate environment for years, not starting work at 9am was the strangest thing in the world. I felt lost and confused. And it is one of the things that I still need to adjust to sometimes, even now. After a few weeks, my mind started realising that this was my new normal and suddenly I felt like the ground had disappeared beneath me. A career that I had invested so much in was not there anymore, and I wasn’t sure whether I wanted it back.

So, I decided to take a longer break to give myself time to reflect and find a way to let myself be. Without judging myself, I took a break to recover from years of running on adrenaline and not having a meaningful break (I don’t count my burnout leave as it had been redundant by the time I returned to work — did you know that rebuilding your resilience may take 18 months or even longer? I didn’t, and from my experience, many employers don’t know that either. I needed to allow myself to reconnect within, to let the broken pieces get healed and glued back together.

Eventually I found myself staring at two choices: choose a familiar and safe option of returning to HR, with a risk that I would face the same struggles as before, or choose something unfamiliar and totally change my life.

I chose me.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but when I made that decision, my heart felt so light and full of freedom. I decided to invest in myself. I wasn’t starting from scratch. I had 20 years’ experience and some of the skills could be transferred to my new path. So, I began to learn new skills, trained to become an NLP practitioner and a life coach, and practised mindfulness techniques with the aim of bringing value and support to others so they could achieve the best results in the most important goal: themselves. Step by step, I kept reconnecting with myself, with my original self that was buried somewhere deep inside. I am only at the beginning of the journey but already know that growth doesn’t stop when one chapter ends, it opens a door to the new one. Very often the new one is uncomfortable and also very exciting, wondering what I will find on the next page.

It is not easy, I need to say that. Running my own business is, to put it simply, very challenging. I learn new things every day, I am surprised every day, and things I thought I knew appear to be completely unknown territory. Stressful and so rewarding at the same time.

Every day I ask myself: Am I crazy to walk away from the safer option? Have I lost my marbles to dive into an unfamiliar world? There are a lot of risks without a safety net, without a guarantee that it will work out. Also, every day I am so proud that I made that decision. It is completely mine. It gives me the most important thing: a sense of freedom.

So which is it? Have I lost my marbles, or am I brave?

The answer will depend on your perspective and each of us has a unique one. A perspective that is built on your life and your experiences. From my perspective, I think the truth lies somewhere in between. My decision was (and still sometimes feels like that) deeply uncomfortable and so scary, but despite the feeling of uncertainty and loneliness, it is so empowering to know that I grow every day.

I don’t have all the answers yet. I don’t know exactly where this new path will lead. But I do know this: I am a better version of myself than I was yesterday. And it is worth everything. If that’s madness, I’ll take it. If it’s bravery, then I hope it will inspire someone to work on themselves.

Have you ever faced a similar dilemma? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.